


Growing Distance [DISCONTINUED]

by breakatake



Series: don’t you put me back down like it’s nothing to you [2]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda, Hamilton - Miranda (Broadway Cast) RPF
Genre: Alex is a senior in hs now, Alexander is hurt, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Apologies, Arguments, Breakups, Cuddles, Drifting, Fluff, Friend Fluff, Heartbreak, James and Thomas aren’t friends until the end );, Kissing, M/M, Making Out, More angst, New Yorkers smh, Platonic Affection, Platonic Cuddling, Platonic Lams, Thomas goes off to university, Thomas is an asshole, Wtf Thomas?, alexander hates him until the end of the story, alexander is soft, angie is a mom friend, i feel bad for writing this alex cries so much, james & angie are the cutest couple, james is a calum stan, james is a dad friend, long distance, slowburn, so many tears, that was important to state, ugh what’s wrong w him ???, we love parents
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-24
Updated: 2019-01-12
Packaged: 2019-09-24 21:32:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 11,343
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17108501
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/breakatake/pseuds/breakatake
Summary: After Thomas graduates and leaves Laguardia, he goes on to UCLA. Being halfway across the country, Alexander is afraid that he and Thomas would break up. Thomas assures him that he has nothing to worry about, and Alexander is okay with that. Thomas suddenly stops calling as much, stops texting. Alexander starts to lose his trust because it reminds him of what Adams did to him. Alexander realizes that it’s because Thomas met somebody that he seemed to be spending a lot of time with. Her name was Abigail Adams. After a short argument leaves them drifting because Alexander hurt Thomas, thomas continues to speak continuously about Abigail. Eventually, Thomas breaks up with Alexander for her.





	1. Baby, Please.

**Author's Note:**

  * For [fojolife](https://archiveofourown.org/users/fojolife/gifts).



> WHOOOOP SECOND STORY !!!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alexander talks to Thomas about how hard the distance will be. Thomas assures him everything will be fine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a a a a a a a. a a

Alexander woke up to Thomas’ arms thrown around his waist lazily. Alexander was snuggled with his back against Thomas’ chest and Thomas’ face was buried in his hair. Thomas slept over the night before, it was a few days before he had to leave for university, so Martha and George allowed him to sleep over. Alexander didn’t want him to go, he had spent the last few days sulking because his boyfriend was going to be gone soon and he didn’t want to think about how he wouldn’t be able to kiss him or hold him or even  _hear his voice_ as often because he would be all the way across the country in California. Alexander didn’t want to think about not holding his hand or making him laugh every single day. It hurt way too much. 

He clenched his eyes shut and then felt arms wrapping tighter around his waist. “Alex, baby,” Thomas grumbled in his low morning voice. Alexander felt his heart flutter at the sound of it, he wanted to hear that every day. Sadly, he couldn’t. 

Alexander hummed in response and turned around to face him. He reached his hands up and cupped his cheeks, leaning in to press a soft kiss against his lips, despite their morning breath. He pulled back and pushed his face in the crook of his neck. “Thomas.” he mumbled softly and he hummed as he felt Thomas’ hand holding the small of his back.

”Yes, my baby?” he mumbled softly and rubbed his back with his thumb. “Is everything okay?” Thomas whispered and nosed his hair. “You’ve been quiet lately.” Alexander knew he had been quiet, he wasn’t doing it purposely. He had just been sad for the past few days. His mood has been down because he had been dreading Thomas leaving. Of course he was happy for him,  _of course._ But, he was also extremely emotional. 

Alexander’s breath hitched and he tangled his fingers in Thomas’ hair. “Please stay for a bit longer..” he whispered softly against his neck and he squeezed his eyes shut, trying to keep in the tears. “It-it’s going to be so hard..” he mumbled softly and held him tighter. “Thomas, I’m scared..” he admitted and he pulled away, looking at him in the eyes. Thomas didn’t pull his arms from around him, he kept them there, holding Alexander against his body. “Thomas, what if something happens to us? We don’t know what’s going to happen, what if we break up? I don’t want to break up, I love you too much and-“

”Alex, baby boy, listen to me.” Thomas cut him off and cupped his cheeks, pulling Alexander’s face close to his own and pressing their foreheads together. “I will  _not_ let anything happen to us. I won’t what we have fall apart, I won’t let things deteriorate.” he promised and he stroked Alexander’s cheek with his thumb, wiping away the tear that slipped from his eye. “I love you so much, okay?” he said softly and pressed a kiss on his nose. “I won’t let this go, I promise.” he whispered and hugged him tightly around the waist. Alexander leaned up and pressed a kiss against his lips, then pulled back.

”Come on, let’s go brush our teeth.” he mumbled softly and Thomas sighed then got up with Alexander.

* * *

Most of the day was spent with them lounging around and snuggling, trying to enjoy the last full day they had together. They were watching Harry Potter, Alexander between Thomas’ legs with his back against his chest. Alexander was giggling softly over Thomas’ impression of professor Snape, eventually bursting into full on laughter and gripping at Thomas’ hand. 

Alexander’s laughter died down and he went back to paying attention to the movie. It was moments like these that he would miss, laughing so hard from Thomas’ stupidity and binging Harry Potter  _constantly_ when they had nothing better to do.

Alexander moved backwards so his head hit Thomas’ chest and he rubbed back against it like a cat. “I love you, Thomas.” he mumbled and Thomas didn’t say anything back, he just held him tighter.

He didn’t need to.

Alexander knew already.

He wondered, what would it be like when Thomas was gone? He wasn’t going to see him until Christmas time, so that really sucked. He’d have to just hear him over FaceTime and not kiss him or hold him. He also wondered, what about meeting people? What if Thomas met someone new?

He didn’t want to think about that. He just wanted to cherish the last few days he had with his boyfriend. 

So that’s what he did. Alexander turned around in Thomas’ lap and he cupped his cheeks, bringing Thomas’ lips to his own in a passionate kiss. Thomas giggled out a soft “woah” at the sudden kiss but his hands flew to Alexander’s waist anyways. He held Alexander close to his body and kissed his boyfriend sweetly and passionately for a few minutes before Alexander pulled away and rested his head on Thomas’. 

“I love you, Alexander.” Thomas mumbled, sending chills down Alexander’s spine from the use of his full name.

”I love you too, Thomas.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SHORT FIRST CHAPTER; the next chapter will be longer i promise


	2. Goodbye.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thomas leaves for UNI.  
> John ends up having to hold Alexander while he cries all day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> MERRY LATE CHRISTMAS IF Y’ALL CELEBRATE

Alexander didn’t want to say goodbye.

He wasn’t ready, he didn’t want Thomas to go. Of course he was proud of him, of course he was excited for him. But he didn’t want to let go of him.  _Literally and figuratively._

Alexander had his arms tightly wrapped around Thomas’ middle in the car. He was sitting on Thomas’ lap, since the car was filled with all of his siblings. Thomas was gently rubbing his fingers down his back, tracing his spine and kissing the top of his head. 

“Alex, honey.” he mumbled in his ear, but Alexander just shook his head and said nothing. He clinged to Thomas like he was the last thing keeping him sane, and quite frankly, he was. All of his other friends who were starting college stayed in New York. Why did Thomas have to leave? Why? Alexander was frustrated because he never knew the answer to that question.

Alexander’s breath hitched a bit and Thomas held him tighter. “I love you.” he mumbled and Thomas didn’t say anything back, just kissed his cheek. Alexander shut his eyes, deciding he wanted to take a nap on the drive to the airport. Thomas did the same and he rested his cheek on the top of Alexander’s head, drifting off to sleep.

* * *

Once they arrived to the airport, Thomas had to go through all of the proper procedures. They weren’t allowed to take him to the boarding area, just leave him at the last security point. The whole family was sulky, everybody was down because they didn’t want Thomas to leave. Thomas’ mom was holding one hand and Alexander was holding the other as they walked to the last security point, where everybody would say bye. 

Thomas’ mom started. She cupped his cheeks and stroked his face, leaning up to give him a kiss on the cheek. She had tears brimming her eyes, not wanting to let go of him. “Call me as soon as you land.” she reminded and he nodded. “Be safe, don’t forget to eat, if you need anything like money or something, call dad and I.” she spoke fast, trying to keep in tears. “And remember to wash your clothes-“ his dad started before he was cut off by Thomas. He laughed sadly before pulling them both in for a hug. Thomas buried his face in his dad’s neck, refusing to cry in front of his little siblings.

His dad put his hands on his shoulders and then kissed the top of his head. “Make me proud, okay?” His dad whispered and Thomas nodded and gave him a tight hug. 

All 4 of his siblings were next, each of them standing in front of Thomas with sad expressions.

”Please, don’t be stupid when you’re gone.” The oldest out of Thomas’ younger siblings, Anna, announced. “I don’t need you dying, I rely on you for relationship advice.” She jokes and wrapped her arms around his torso. Thomas laughed softly and hugged her tightly around the shoulders. 

Scott was next, he jumped to wrap his arms around Thomas and he buried his face in his chest. “Come home soon, who else can I play assassins creed with?” he scoffed playfully, trying to hide his sadness. “Because Randolph? He can’t get a kill for his life.” he chuckled and Thomas messed up his hair and punched the younger boy gently on the shoulder. “Don’t be mean to him when I’m gone, alright?” Thomas lectures and Scott just put his hands up in defense. 

Randolph hugged him next. He didn’t even attempt to try and hide it, he was bawling his eyes out. Randolph was the youngest boy, only being about eight years old. He was confused, really. He didn’t understand why his big brother was leaving and going across the country for college. Thomas crouched down to reach his height and he hugged the small boy tightly. “I love you. Don’t get into trouble at home, I won’t be here to help you out of being grounded  _again.”_ Thomas chuckled playfully and Randolph kissed him on the cheek. “I love you too, Tommy.”

Lastly was Lucy. She was the youngest sibling of the five, she was only four years old. Thomas kneeled on the ground and he cupped her small cheeks in his hand. “Please don’t go.” She whispered softly, her  _please_ sounded more like  _pwease_ because she couldn’t quite pronounce her l’s and r’s yet. “I have to, Lu.” he stated softly and he ran his thumb over her cheek. It broke Thomas’ heart to see his youngest sibling like this. He wrapped his arms around her small body and she clutched onto his neck. Thomas finally let the dam break, he started softly crying against the tiny girl’s shoulder while rubbing her back. “I love you, Lucy. Be safe.” he whispered and she pulled away without a word.

Thomas stood up and he walked over to Alexander, who, to nobody’s surprise, was already crying. Thomas slipped his hand into his hair, cradling the back of his head and Alexander moved closer and wrapped his arms around his waist. Thomas hugged him tightly and kissed his forehead. “Make sure you don’t skip class to get food all the time.” he joked through his tears and Alexander scoffed and pinched his hip.

”I hate you.”

”You don’t.”

Alexander pulled away and looked up at him with a tear filled face. “You’re right, I don’t.” he stated and leaned in for a soft kiss. Thomas kissed him back just as gently, moving his hands to cup his face. “I love you.” Alexander mumbled, tasting salty tears on his lips as Thomas was still crying at this point. “You’re going to do amazing, don’t forget to call your parents and siblings, and then our friends and I when you get there, okay?” Alexander lectured, looking up at him and he cracked a sad smile. “And don’t forget to eat and  _actually_ wash your socks because I know you’re gross and you’re going to forget.” Alexander giggled and wiped his tears away. Thomas didn’t say anything, he just swooped down and wrapped his arm around his waist and dipped him down to kiss him deep and passionate. Alexander cupped his cheeks and he pulled back after a few seconds. 

“Please remember to sleep when I’m gone. I won’t be able to come over to rub your tummy when you can’t sleep.” Thomas rolled his eyes in a playful manner, remembering the many times where Alexander couldn’t sleep either because of a headache or just because his body hated him. Something that always calmed him was having his stomach rubbed, so Thomas would often come over and do so. 

After a few more seconds of kissing, Alexander pulled away because he heard a security guard say he had to go. Alexander pulled away and he sniffled softly. “I love you, Thomas.” he said softly and Thomas kissed his head.

”I love you more, Alexander.”

With that, Thomas walked through the last bit of security and Alexander let more tears run down his face. Anna linked her arm with Alexander’s, she was also crying. The two of them walked ahead of the rest, trying to be the other’s moral support because they were very close as it was. 

The whole family left, and Thomas’ dad dropped Alexander home. As soon as he got inside, he headed upstairs and didn’t bother to say hello to his parents. He walked past Lafayette, Hercules, and John on the couch and headed into his room, slamming the door.

John’s eyes widened and he rushed up the stairs and knocked gently on the door.

”F-fuck off.” Alexander managed to get out through his tears. John sighed and just opened the door anyways, then he went inside and shut the door, locking it.

”Hey, buddy.” 

Alexander recognized the voice, but he didn’t get up or say hi. He curled into a  ball on his bed and he cried even harder, sobs shaking through his body because he wasn’t going to see Thomas for  _months._

John walked over to the bed and sat with his back against the wall, pulling Alexander between his legs and wrapping his arms around his waist. “You’re okay, Alex.” he mumbled and Alexander pressed his head back against John’s chest. Alexander turned to look at him and he took John’s hand.

”I’m not going to see him.. u-until December.. a-and that’s..” his voice got more high pitched as he cried more. “That’s so far away..” he sobbed and held tightly onto John. He tried to regain composure before explaining why he was crying so much. “What if this doesn’t work out? L-like.. he’s literally across the fucking country, what if this isn’t meant to be forever?” Alexander whispered softly and looked at John with sad eyes. “John, I’m so scared.” he said softly. “Thomas isn’t one to do a long distance relationship, he needs to see somebody, to  _feel_ them.” he was hiccuping between every word and he turned around in John’s lap. Alexander felt himself shaking and he clenched his hands. “I’m so down for him, John, I can’t even see myself with any other fucking person. What if him being away for so long causes us to-“

”But what if it doesn’t?” John interrupted. He looked at Alexander with a serious face. Alexander stopped talking immediately, wanting to hear what John had to say. “What if him being away just proves how strong you two are? Just proves your love even more?” He asked and ran his fingers through Alexander’s hair. “Alexander, he’s so in love with you that it makes everyone around us sick.” he joked and Alexander snorted through his tears. “I don’t think you two will break up, you’re a team. And quite frankly, you’re the best team. You two can make it through this, you can get through him being away for so long.” John whispered and he kissed the top of his head. “And if something happens?” He said and Alexander’s head snapped up. “I’m here, the whole gang is here. We love you, Alexander. Okay?” he assured and Alexander wrapped his arms tightly around his best friend’s neck.

”You’re the fucking best.”

With that, Alexander’s tears slowed and he was laying down with John, his head against his chest as he listened to his heart beat and the sound of John singing above him. In that moment, he decided John was the best friend that he ever had.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what did y’all do on christmas/what did you get? tell me in the comments ! i got a drawing tablet from my dad i screamed and my step mom got me a sweater that says “you can call me mrs hemmings” bc i love love LOVE luke hemmings


	3. Anything Hurts Less

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thomas talks to Alexander less during his first month of university.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THIS CHAPTER IS sad lOl

_September, Week One. Thomas started school on August 25th and Alexander started two weeks later._

Alexander stayed home from school on Monday. He woke up with a burning hot fever and the chills, and he couldn’t stop vomiting since about 3 in the morning. His mom took off of work to tend to him, because he probably had the flu, so he was on the couch with his head in her lap. He was checking his texts, hoping to see a text back from his boyfriend. Thomas hadn’t texted much in August, and he texted even less when Alexander started school. They had few calls, so Alexander hadn’t heard his voice in about two weeks, besides seeing his snapchat story.

 **To Bubba:** i miss u thomas

and i love u

good luck on that calculus bc test today

youre gonna do great

and i’ll suck ur dick if u pass

jk 

or am i

im staying home today i’m really sick so i’m gonna go and stay downstairs w my mom incase i feel worse. i love u bye 

He said that at about 5 am. He still hadn’t gotten a text back. Thomas’ classes didn’t even start until like, 12. And he knew Thomas woke up extremely early. He felt his chest drop, he just wanted to hear from his boyfriend. He  _knew_ that this distance wouldn’t do any good. But he couldn’t do anything about it.

”Mom?” Alexander mumbled. He looked up at her and she looked away from her book to look at him. “What if Thomas leaves me?”

She sighed and she stroked his hair back gently, flinching because he was still burning up. “Well, baby, then it wasn’t meant to be.” 

Alexander didn’t want that to be true.

* * *

_September, week 2, Alexander isn’t sick anymore._

**From Bubba:** sorry i havent talked much in the past week

hope you’re feeling better

i did ace that test tho ;)

love u

talk later 

Alexander locked his phone and slipped it into his pocket, linking arms with Peggy as they walked to class.

”Thomas, again?” Peggy questioned and he nodded sadly and looked down, avoiding eye contact. He missed him so bad, he felt like there was no communication at all. He knew it was because Thomas was adjusting to university, but it still hurt regardless. He just wanted to talk to him for two minutes, that’s all. But he couldn’t even get a solid conversation in through text for more than thirty seconds.

”I miss him.”

”I know.

* * *

_September, week 3. Alexander tries to talk to Thomas, but ends up getting him angry._

Alexander was laying on his bed. It was Friday night, and Thomas had promised Alexander he would call him. He said “I’ll call you at 8, babe,” so Alexander cancelled his plans with the girls. He was going to get his nails done with them for the first time, but since Thomas said he would be calling him, he said they could go another time (they decided Saturday). 

He was waiting, he had been waiting for hours. It was now nearing 12 am, and Thomas still hadn’t called him. It was starting to give him anxiety, in all honesty. He had been anxious for the past 3 weeks, not hearing from Thomas made him worry. He was scared that he’s as doing something wrong, or maybe something bad happened to Thomas. He didn’t know what was going on, so that was what scared Alexander; it made him panic. 

Alexander picked up his phone and he called him on the phone, getting no answer. So, he did the most sensible thing: he left a message. 

Alexander was crying, you could hear it in his voice, but he tried not to let it show. “H-hey, Thomas.” he mumbled. “I was waiting for you to call me, but I’m assuming that you’re busy, so it’s okay.” he said,  _it really wasn’t okay._ “But, um, call me when you can, okay? I love you so much.” he hung up. 

The next morning, Alexander woke up to see multiple texts from Thomas asking why he called and blah blah, this and that. Thomas was  _mad._ Alexander didn’t even know why, he didn’t have a reason to be. But of course, Alexander was blaming himself and Thomas was angry at him.

Thomas was never like this.

Alexander didn’t understand, now that Thomas was in college, apparently that meant he could be a bad boyfriend. 

Alexander felt himself growing angry and he unlocked his phone and opened his messages. 

**To Thomas:**

hi yeah in case you forgot , you were supposed to call me last night at 8 !! so i called you four hours later because i never ! even ! got ! a ! text ! saying ! why ! you ! didn’t ! call ! so, don’t get mad at me, alright? you’re at fault here, Jefferson.

_oh yeah, he went there._

you have no reason to be angry, you haven’t spoken to me properly in three weeks and you’re my b o y f r i e n d. communication is key in any relationship, and it’s even more important in a long distance relationship. so, when you’re ready to stop being a dick, text me back, asshole. bye. love you.

 _Of course._ Alexander thought.  _He could never end an argument without reminding Thomas that he loved him._

_But Thomas could._

* * *

  _September, week four. Thomas hasn’t said a word to Alexander in five days. Alexander is a mess, to say the least._

”Alex, baby, please don’t cry.” Eliza sighed as she held Alexander closer to her body. James came in with a cup of herbal tea and some chocolate for him, Angelica was rubbing his arm, Peggy was trying to talk to him while Eliza held him, and Hercules, John, and Lafayette were plotting how badly they were going to kick Thomas’ ass.

Alexander pushed his face closer into her stomach and James sighed and made Angelica move so he could sit next to Alexander. “Alex, buddy?” he mumbled and Alexander looked up with tear filled eyes. 

“Don’t know what i did.” Alexander got out through soft sobs. “Mad b-because I called.” he hiccuped and he started to breathe hard. “M-miss him.” he mumbled and rubbed his red eyes. 

James looked up at Angelica, who shared the same angry expression. None of them really knew why Thomas was being like that. They all just assumed that he was busy, but that wasn’t an excuse to act like an asshole. 

Hopefully, they figure out why soon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thomas is a dick


	4. Who is She?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alexander checks Thomas’ snapchat and sees him with some girl. Needless to say, he’s upset.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> been super busy this week sorry ))): this story is gonna have slow updates; why do i always make thomas an asshole? i wanna write something where he isn’t i don’t know WHY he’s always a dick in my stories bc alex’s character is also a dick LMFAO

Alexander awoke with a dry throat and puffy eyes. He hadn’t spoken to Thomas in awhile, his heart ached. Eliza was under him, he had fallen asleep on her stomach. The rest of the group was scattered about the living room, on the sofas and on the carpeted floor. They had blankets thrown over them, Alexander assumed his parents came in and covered them since the house was chilly. He pulled his phone from his pocket and checked the time.  _8:15 am_ he hummed to himself.

He slowly shifted himself off of Eliza and headed to the kitchen to get a cup of water. He drank his water quickly, then ran upstairs to brush his teeth. He checked his social medias and texts as he brushed.  _Still no texts from Thomas,_ Alexander mentally sighed and he went onto his snapchat to send his streaks. He came across Thomas’ story and he cocked an eyebrow, mostly because Thomas rarely posted unless it was a picture of Alexander or if the whole squad got together. He clicked on it and he saw Thomas and some girl, some girl who looked oddly familiar. He furrowed his eyebrows, and kept tapping through. The next video happened to be them singing along to Angel by Shaggy in the car, which Alexander was hurt by because that was he and Thomas’ song. Alexander spit out his toothpaste after brushing for five minutes, then gargled some mouth wash. He rinsed out his mouth and washed his face, then went to moisturize it. He opened his texts again and texted Thomas.

 ~~~~ **To Thomas:** can we talk

i really miss you

and i’m sorry for being a dick

come back pls

i need to hear your voice ...

Alexander knew  _he_ shouldn’t be the one apologizing, but Thomas was being stubborn. He couldn’t seem to figure out when it was that Thomas started being so stubborn. He used to hate fighting, he would avoid it. He’s in university for a month, and suddenly he’s a dick. Alexander swallowed thickly, feeling bad that he was thinking this way of his boyfriend,  _but it was true._ He wished Thomas just stayed in New York and went to Juliard, because he got a full scholarship. Thomas said he wanted to get out there, but Alexander wanted him to stay. He couldn’t make him stay, that would be being a bad boyfriend. So he let him go.

* * *

He was taking a nap when Thomas called. Somehow, John managed to make Alexander stop worrying about when Thomas would call and lay down with him to take a nap. The rest of the group had gone home already, but John was going to stay until Sunday because he wanted to make sure Alexander was okay. Him and Lafayette were both spending time with him, until Lafayette said he was going to do some homework and John decided they’d take a nap. When Alexander’s phone rung, John picked it up.

”Hello?” John mumbled, voice groggy and thick from sleep. He didn’t even bother checking the I.D., he was too out of it.

”Where’s Alex?” The person on the other line question, John eventually woke up enough to recognize the voice as Thomas’. 

John sat up straight and gently laid Alexander down on the bed. “I-Um, he’s asleep, sorry Thomas.” he rubbed his face with his palm and he yawned. “We fell asleep like an hour ago. But, how are you?” he tried to keep the conversation as casual as possible, he hadn’t talked to Thomas in a few weeks either. Almost none of them had, it was odd because Thomas was the one who basically created the friend group by introducing them all to each other. 

“I’m fine, Jack.” he answered simply. Thomas was really the only one who called John, Jack. It was just normal for him, John didn’t care either. “Just-just let me know when he’s awake. I have to talk to him.” 

Thomas hung up without another word. John sighed and put Alexander’s phone down and looked down at Alexander, who’s eyes were opening slowly. Alexander pushed himself up and he stretched his arms, moving closer to John and flopping on top of his body. “Why were you talking so fucking loud?” Alexander groaned and put his hand over John’s face.

”Thomas wants to talk to you.”

Alexander shot up and he grabbed his phone from the bed, unlocking it and reading his texts. 

**From Thomas:**

 

baby 

alex

princess

pls

hello

answer me

i called u like 928282 times pick up

im sorry for being an asshole babe please 

you called me at a bad time and i’ve had exams all week so i’ve been stressed and i took it out on you

alexander

darling..

hamilton

h a m ilton 

Alexander rolled his eyes. “Does he think his apology will be accepted by calling me pet names?” He scoffed and John snorted and shrugged.

”I don’t know. I’m texting Peggy, and even she’s nicer than Thomas right now.” John paused. “Which is shocking.” he laughed and Alexander flipped him off and tapped on  _call,_ then he signaled John to be quiet.

After a few rings, he picked up. 

“Alex, sweetheart?” Alexander heard Thomas’ distressed voice from the other side. 

Alexander sighed and he bit his lip. “Yeah, Thomas?” he asked and laid down on the bed, his head next to John’s. 

“I-I’m really sorry that I’ve been such an asshole to you,” Thomas gulped. “I-I’ve been really busy and really stressed and I had no right to take it out on you and ignore you like I did, I’m sorry, princess.” he mumbled. Alexander tried to suppress the butterflies he got from the nickname, besides darling and sweetheart, that was his favorite thing to be called. “I love you, and I haven’t told you in days, but I do.” he stated. Alexander sighed and looked down. He didn’t want to give in, he didn’t want to let Thomas’ apology get to him because he was really upset and  _really_ hurt. And seeing somebody else singing their song on his snapchat? That hurt too. It was stupid, it may sound like a first world problem, but it hurt. 

“It’s okay, baby, I love you too.” Alexander let out a breath that he had been holding in. He heard Thomas relax on the other side.

He and Thomas both sat in silence for a few minutes, listening to each other’s breathing. Alexander didn’t speak. To be fair, he didn’t even know what to say. He didn’t know why he couldn’t talk right now, usually he never ran out of things to talk about. “How was your week, angel?” Thomas questioned. Alexander furrowed his eyebrows at the pet name.

”How come you’re using so many pet names, Thomas?” He questioned and Thomas’ breath hitched. Alexander heard it. It was weird, really. Thomas used pet names, yeah. Baby girl, princess, darling, sweetheart, those were normal. But Thomas was using  _way_ too many. He wondered why. 

“Um,” Thomas chuckled softly. “Because I can?” He laughed and Alexander rolled his eyes.

He debates bringing up the girl in his snapchat. Thomas was either going to get angry and hang up or answer his question like a good boyfriend would. 

So, he asked.

”Thomas, babe, I see you made friends,” he grinned, wanting to bring it up naturally instead of just asking. “The girl looks familiar.. I feel like I know her.” he stated and rubbed his chin, feeling his stubble. He made a mental note to shave his face later.

Thomas laughed on the other side. “That’s Abigail Adams, I think she might be your ex boyfriend’s family?” he said, sounding unsure. Alexander furrowed his eyebrows and he thought back.  _Abigail.. Abigail.. Who in the fuck? Oh!_

Abigail is John’s favorite cousin! That’s who she was. Alexander  _did_ know her. 

“Oh! I know her, babe!” He giggled. “She used to be over often when I was with Adams.” he chuckled. “Tell her Alex said hi, she’ll know who I am.” he stated and Thomas agreed.

They had barely been speaking for 5 minutes before Thomas stated that he had to go “study.. or something.” But, Alexander could’ve sworn her heard another voice.

He didn’t want to think about that.

At least he got to talk to Thomas, right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Angel by Shaggy is a fucking bop. i suggest if you like reggae, listen to it :-) also ik nobody listens to soca unless they have brown friends or if they’re brown but if anybody wants dancehall and soca suggestions ;;;) comment


	5. Someone New

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thomas won’t stop talking about Abigail and Alexander is lowkey jealous.  
> Oh, and a heartbreak.  
> [listen to one or more of these songs while you read this it’ll let the sadness sink in:   
> U.N.I - ed sheeran   
> Someone New - BANKS  
> Moments - 1D  
> Lie to Me - 5SOS   
> When you Can’t Sleep at Night - Of Mice and men]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HAPPY NEW YEAR GUYSSSS TELL ME HOW YOUR FIRST DAY OF JANUARY WENT! also this chapter is about to ruin y’alls lives lmao sorry

After Thomas had apologized to Alexander, they talked a bit. Not a lot, but a bit. Thomas would text good morning and goodnight, the occasional I love you was also there. But mostly, he would be talking about Abigail.  _Abigail this, Abigail_ _that._ Alexander was beginning to find it annoying. Thomas actually wouldn’t  _shut the fuck up_ about her and Alexander couldn’t help but wonder why. Alexander was laying on his stomach, waiting for Thomas to pick up his FaceTime call. After a few rings, he picked up.

”Hey ba- oh.” Alexander furrowed his eyebrows, seeing that a girl picked up the phone. “Hi?” he laughed awkwardly. “Um, I’m Alex-“

”Alexander! It’s Abigail!” She grinned and Alexander made an ‘oh’ sound. He had completely forgotten what she looked like because they haven’t talked in so long.

”Oh, Abby!” he smiled back. “How are you? How has everything been?” he chuckled and she stared to give him a rundown of how her life has been since the last time they spoke. He learned that she hasn’t dated since, she’s a theater major, and that she had a few classes with Thomas as well. He nodded and just listened to her talk. “You’re Thomas’ boyfriend, right?” she questioned and he nodded.

”We’ve been together for like.. just over a year.” he stated, feeling the need to prove himself. “I miss him, I haven’t seen him in awhile.” he mumbled quietly and put his chin in his hand. She nodded and gave him a side smile. 

“I don’t know why he hasn’t called you.” she said softly and bit her lip. Alexander didn’t know why either. He had been dry, really dry. Alexander was tired of it. He shrugged, didn’t say anything else. After awhile, Thomas was in the room again and took the phone from Abigail, giving a quick apology and saying he and Abigail were going out. He said a quick “love you” and hung up before Alexander could even respond. 

Alexander sighed and flopped backwards on his bed. He checked the time, it was about 7 in New York, meaning it was about 3 on in California, or something. He blinked back tears, suddenly feeling like Thomas didn’t want to speak to him. He couldn’t pinpoint when he started feeling like this. He just knew it sucked. 

* * *

Thomas looked his phone and slipped it into his pocket. He turned to Abigail and grinned, linking his arm with hers as they walked out of the dorm room. “I didn’t know you were with Alex for a year.” she stated and smiled up at him. Thomas just nodded and looked down, feeling a pang of guilt. He didn’t know why, but he knew if he felt guilty, something was wrong. “You never told me.. I’m shocked. I thought it would’ve been like, the first thing you’ve said.” she laughed and Thomas shrugged.

”It just.. never came up, I guess?” he chuckled awkwardly. “But.. yeah, he’s my boyfriend..” he trailed off and bit his lip. 

Since he met Abigail, he realized how much he wanted to really get out there. He loved Alexander so much, he really did. It was just that, not seeing him for so long and being comfortable with it made him think about maybe trying something new. Alexander would always be there for him, right? He had a bit of a crush on Abigail, in all honesty. That’s why he felt guilty, because he was dating Alexander who was  _head over fucking heels_ for him. And yet, here he was thinking about breaking up with him to date Abigail. 

“You don’t sound very happy...” Abigail looked up at him and stopped walking in the middle of the sidewalk. “Are you guys having problems, or something?” she questioned and tilted her head. Thoma debated on answering. He sighed and tried to get his words together.

”Um, yeah.. kind of.” he mumbled. “We got into a fight about a week ago and haven’t talked much since, I feel bad because I’ve been avoiding him.” he stated and kept walking, heading into the coffee shop they were going to get lunch at. “Since I came to California, I’ve just noticed that I’m not as attached as I thought? I mean, I miss him, but I want to do something more. You know? The distance thing doesn’t work for me.” he shrugged and took a seat across from Abigail. She nodded and put her hand over his on the table.

”Whatever you do, I support you.” she stated simply. Thomas just nodded.

 _Maybe he should_ Thomas thought as he looked at Abigail. He squeezed her hand back and smiled at her.

* * *

Alexander was waiting for Thomas to text him and say  _hey baby, how was your day_ or something like that. Instead, he recieved texts from Thomas talking about Abigail, and what they spoke about, and what they did when they hung out, and this, and that,  _Abigail, Abigail blah blah blah._

He was frustrated, he just left Thomas on read and didn’t respond to his text messages. He didn’t know what he was doing wrong. Was he more interested in her? Was he just tired of Alexander? He spent so long chasing after Alexander, what happened? Alexander turned his phone off and got up, walking into Lafayette’s room and flopping onto his bed. Lafayette didn’t look up from his laptop, just said “Thomas?” and got a grunt in response. Lafayette reached down and stroked his brother’s hair gently. “You should talk to him, mon petit.”

”Don’t wanna, he’s just going to get mad at me..” he trailed off, realizing how bad it sounded. Since when had he and Thomas struggled with communication? Their relationship was healthy, it always was. Recently, it’s been the most unhealthy that it could ever be. “You know, he’s being a dick. It makes me feel like shit. He’s always like,” Alexander cleared his throat to impersonate Thomas. “ _Oh, sorry baby, can’t talk tonight, going out with Abby,_ or,  _Abby has the same music taste as me,_ or,  _Abby showed me this,_ like bitch!” Alexander yelled and sat up on the bed. “If this boy don’t shut the fuck up about Abigail I will really fly my ass to California and cut his hair in his sleep.” he huffed out, growing even agrier than before at the realization that he was being pushed aside like he was nothing. By his  _boyfriend,_ of all people. 

“Let out the anger so you do not take it out on him and get into a fight.” Lafayette mumbled, putting his hand on his brother’s shoulder. Alexander groaned and flopped backwards on the bed. 

“I just.. I..” Alexander felt his breath hitch and he mentally cursed.  _He refused to cry_. “I love him.” his voice cracked. “I feel like this distance shit fucked us up so badly, because he can’t deal with long distance he’s not about that.” he mumbled and he moved to lay on Lafayette’s chest. “H-he’s going to break up with me.” 

* * *

Thomas was laying down on the bed, staring up at his ceiling fan. He didn’t know what to  _think,_ how to  _feel._ He did love Alexander, but the distance was going to break them apart. He loved Alexander, but he had a crush on Abigail and he hated himself for it. He didn’t mean to push Alexander away.. he just needed to try something else.

Alexander was still in high school and Thomas was now in college, across the country. They were together for awhile, maybe trying something different wouldn’t hurt? Thomas wanted to get out there, and he slowly felt his feelings for Alexander disintegrating. Alexander wouldn’t be too hurt, right? I mean, he was in high school. There were other guys and girls he could date, a lot of other things to try. 

 **To Alexander:** we need to talk. 

* * *

Alexander shot up off of the couch and ran upstairs into Lafayette’s room where Hercules and Lafayette were the second he got that message. He yelled and sat on the bed, against the wall and told them to shut the fuck up. Both of them went to protest, but the second they heard the FaceTime ring and Thomas’ voice saying “hey..” awkwardly, they knew they should be quiet. 

“Hey baby.” Alexander spoke softly and brought his knees up to rest his chin there. He stared at Thomas, who flinched at the name. Alexander furrowed his eyebrows and chuckled softly. “What’s up, honey, is something bothering you?” he asked, growing concerned. Maybe something happened, he felt horrible that he wasn’t there to make it better. 

“I-um.” Thomas mumbled and he coughed softly. Alexander felt anxiety growing in his stomach, he felt nauseous. He didn’t even know how to explain how big the pit in his stomach was. “Alexander.” he started and Alexander looked up, looking at his face, studying the stresslines and his fuzzy beard. “I-This distance..” he continued and Alexander felt his heart drop in his stomach.

”Don’t you  _dare_ finish that sentence, Thomas Jefferson.” Alexander’s voice cracked, pain was evident. He whimpered and he covered his mouth. “Don’t finish.. please do-“

”Alex, I have-“

” _Don’t_ call me Alex right now.” Alexander snapped. He wanted to hear what he had to say, but also didn’t. He knew he was being broken up with, he could feel it. “Are you breaking up with me?” Alexander asked, voice barely above a whisper.

”I mean-“

”Don’t beat around the fucking bush, Thomas.” He yelled, tears brimming in his eyes. He clenched his fist and he squeezed his eyes shut. “Are you breaking up with me because of this distance, or not?” he whispered.

”I am.”

Alexander broke into sobs immediately and his whole body shook, he felt numb, every part of him felt  _numb._ “I knew it, I could feel it. You broke the promise, though.” he got out through sobs. “Goodbye, Thomas.” Alexander ended the FaceTime call and threw his phone against the ground, cracking it in the process but not breaking it. “I told you,  _I fucking told you.”_ Alexander sobbed, feeling Hercules pick him up and hold him in his lap. “I told you he would do it.” he tried to yell, but it came out as a whisper. He couldn’t even begin to describe how he felt. He felt betrayed, he felt broken, numb, in pain, his chest physically ached and his throat was starting to hurt from how much he was crying. Alexander wrapped his arms around Hercules’ neck, who rubbed his back and pet his hair in response.

”Okay, mon petit, it’s okay.” Lafayette whispered and ran his hand through his hair. Alexander violently shook his head and he buried his face further into Hercules’ neck. 

“‘s not okay.” Alexander stated and he wiped his nose with the corner of his sleeve. “I.. He’s gone..” he whispered softly and his voice broke. Alexander broke down into sobs all over again, clenching and unclenching his fists and he felt like he was going to scream. “Want John” he got out between hiccups and Lafayette pulled his phone out and dialed John’s number, as soon as he explained what happened John said he was on his way. 

“W-why now? Why today?” Alexander sobbed. He was crying so hard that eventually, his throat was hoarse and he couldn’t even speak. He was just shaking and his body would jump every now and then from what was supposed to be a sob. He didn’t even know how long it had been, but apparently an hour passed because John was now in the room and he was cradled in his arms with his head against his chest. Alexander pushed his face against him and he breathed in. “You smell like Peg.” he hiccuped, trying to lighten the mood, but immediately just started to cry again. John tried to soothe him, he ran his hands through his silky hair and whispered reassurances in his ear.

”You’re okay, Alex. I’m here, it’s John. John’s here, and you’re okay.” John whispered against his head and he rubbed his stomach gently. “You’re alright.” he mumbled softly. Alexander eventually resolved to just shaking and hiccuping, his tears had completely stopped.

”He’s gone, John.” he whispered and John just said nothing, he clenched his fist and tried to repress the urge to beat the shit out of Thomas. John just laid down on Lafayette’s bed and pulled Alexander so that he was facing him, his leg between John’s thigh and his head on his chest. 

“I’m gonna sing to you, and you’re going to sleep. And when you wake up, it’ll be Saturday, so we can all go out to breakfast, the whole squad. We’ll take your mind off of things. Sound okay?” John suggested and Alexander thought for a second, but eventually agreed. Alexander snuggled against the boy next to him and shut his eyes, listening to John singing  _When you Can’t Sleep at Night_ by Of Mice and Men softly in his ear. Alexander listened to the sound of John’s pretty voice, letting it take him into sleep and eventually, the boy was snoring quietly.

John stopped singing when he realized he was sleeping and he looked up at Lafayette and Hercules with a serious face. “I think he left Alex for Abby.”

Hercules clenched his jaw and looked down at Alexander’s broken screen in his hands. It wasn’t too bad, just cracked a bit. He saw the screen light up with a million texts from James and the girls, but mostly James. 

 **From my favorite calum stan:** ALEX MY BABY

ALEX 

IM 

ARE YOU OKAY ): 

thomas is such s fucking dick i’m so rosyr 

a * sorry *

i cant believe him ?

he *was* my best friend 

note i said was bc he cut me off for not supporting his decision yikes that’s the tea 

i’m so tight lmfao

im sorry child 

i love you

rhe girls love you

the boys love you 

i’m 

i love you sm

olewse don’t let this break you too much you have an amazing spirit and an amazing heart my love don’t let this hurt you please. he’s just a fucking asshole who doesn’t deserve you at all. i’m so sorry i’m so sorry 

Hercules sighed and rolled his eyes at the “Thomas cut me off” part. “Thomas is such an asshole, what the fuck.”

”You can say that again.” John scoffed and Lafayette bit his lip.

Lafayette got up abruptly and ran out of the room stating “I’m going to kick his ass.”

Lafayette dialed Thomas’ number as he ran down the stairs, staying there in the living room so that he wouldn’t wake Alexander while screaming at him. As soon as he picked up, Lafayette yelled. “I said do not fucking hurt my baby brother!” he screamed, anger very evident in his voice. He felt his blood  _bubbling._ He huffed, waiting for a response.

”I can’t handle long distance, Lafayette.” he grumbled and Lafayette felt himself grow  _angrier,_ if that was even possible. 

“Then why didn’t you just not date him?! Huh?” he growled. “You knew you were going to leave New York for college since before senior year even fucking started and you knew you could not handle this fucking shit!” he growled again, feeling anger in his chest. “I cannot fucking-“

”Lafayette calm down.” George’s calming voice came from behind him and he turned around and looked at him, trying his best to breathe. “Give me the phone, son, let me talk to Thomas.” he said gently and Lafayette growled into the mic.

”You are lucky. Fuck you, Jefferson.” 

George sighed and he ran his hand over his face. “Thomas, don’t even think about contacting Alexander after this. Go think about your decision and reflect on it, then maybe you can talk to me or Lafayette. I told you to be careful with my son because he’s been heartbroken horribly before and I didn’t want to see it again. Goodbye, Thomas.” he tried to stay as calm as possible as he hung up the phone and put it on the table. George turned around and faced Lafayette, wrapping his arms around his shoulders because he saw tears in his son’s eyes. 

“He is going to fall back into his depression.” he whimpered and George didn’t say anything, he just clenched his jaw and looked down while hugging his son.

They both went upstairs after a few minutes, going into Lafayette’s room and they saw John holding a sleeping Alexander and an angry Hercules next to him.

They all shared a similar look, a look that simply stated that they all hated Thomas.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i’m so sorry i’m in pain too


	6. I’d Rather be Black and Blue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ..than accept that you withdrew..

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THE SONG FOR THIS CHAPTER IS THE QUIET BY TROYE SIVAN !! should i make a playlist?? i want to lmao

Alexander woke up in his bed and John’s arms around his waist from behind. He heard soft whispering, vaguely registering the voices as female. He rubbed his eyes, they were hurting and swollen. His throat felt sore and scratchy and he couldn’t even bring himself to ask who was there. 

“Alex, baby?” One of the girls whispered. Alexander felt her grab his hand, and he noticed how soft it was. He smiled weakly, realizing it was Eliza.

”Why are you guys here?” he asked, his words came out as voice cracks and screeches because he was in so much pain. “You all don’t need to be here, I can do this.” he stated simply and he looked up, seeing Angelica and Peggy crossing their arms. 

“You can’t, we know you better than that.” Angelica rolled her eyes. “You forget to eat on a normal basis.” she mumbled and pointed at John. “Peggy, work on waking your boyfriend up. I’ll go wake up Lafayette and Hercules and I’ll call James to get him up. Eliza, call Maria to get here and then go help Alexander get ready.” she ordered and Alexander groggily stood up after taking John’s arm off of him. 

“What’s happening?” He questioned and checked his phone, searching for texts from Thomas. As soon as he did, that’s when he remembered.  _The call, the yelling, the phone breaking, the screaming and crying._

_Thomas wasn’t his anymore._

Alexander felt his heart wrenching at the thought, he immediately felt like he was going to throw up. Alexander got up and rushed into the bathroom shutting and locking the door. He stood against it and he breathed in and out a few times, counting in French in his head. After a few minutes of counting, he heard a knock at the door and he opened it, revealing Eliza. “Hi.” he whispered softly then moved to brush his teeth. She sighed and walked into the bathroom, shutting the toilet and sitting on the cover of it. 

“I hate him for it.” she stated simply. 

Alexander spit out his toothpaste and looked up at her. “I-is he.. dating..” he trailed off as he felt the pit in his stomach growing. Truth was,  _he didn’t wanna know_ if Thomas was with her or not. He didn’t want to think about him kissing her.. or holding her.. whispering sweet nothings in her ear and calling her darling like he did to him-

Alexander dropped his brush and just sat on the ground against the sink and he breathed in heavily and breathed back out just as hard. 

“He is.. Alex.. honey-“

” _Eliza..”_ Alexander whimpered and looked up at her. “H-how did this h-happen..” he whispered and broke down into tears. She sat down next to him and just rested her head on his shoulder. Alexander shook with every sob and he felt Eliza squeeze his hand. “How did this happen,  _why did this happen?”_ he sobbed and he leaned to rest his head on her shoulder. 

Alexander felt his heart wrenching and he felt like throwing up. He felt his whole body shaking, he didn’t know that the thought would hit so hard in the morning.  _He didn’t expect this._ He didn’t expect that something  _so good_ could be ruined  _so fast._ He felt whole, complete, happy, with Thomas. His heart felt like it would burst in his presence. But now, it just felt broken. He just felt like he wanted to hit him. 

Alexander cried for another 15 minutes, eventually resolving to sniffles and coughs. He asked Eliza to stay in the bathroom when he showered, he made her turn around when he took off his clothes and just pass him the towel while he was behind the curtain. Alexander was shaking, he didn’t even feel like eating because he felt like he was going to throw up.

He headed out of the bathroom with her and she went downstairs. He went to his bedroom and dried his hair with the towel a bit. He went through his closet, looking for a hoodie to wear. He came across purple fabric and he held it between his fingers, hands shaking as his index finger ran across it. He gulped and ripped it off the hanger, throwing it to the back of the closet. He felt anger and sadness bubble up at the both time, nausea building up in his throat and he grimaced. Alexander tugged his favorite knit green sweater off of the hook and pulled it over his head. The weather in New York was getting colder, it was October now. 

Alexander pulled on a pair of black ripped jeans and just left his glasses on. He slowly made his way down the stairs and looked around, seeing all of his friends in his living room. The first person to jump and hug him was James. “I talked to him again, he wanted you to know he’s sorry-“

”He isn’t, James.” Alexander sighed against the boy’s broad chest. “And that’s the sad reality. Don’t bring him up, okay?” he mumbled and hugged him tightly around the waist. James just nodded and pulled back. 

“Ready to go?” Lafayette swung his keys around his index finger and Alexander nodded and followed him out. He sat in the car next to John, leaning his head against the window. Alexander sighed and rubbed his eyes, feeling empty in his chest. 

_When would it stop?_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this is short it’s sort of a filler


	7. She Ain’t You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thomas learned in the matter of two months that Abby was in fact: not Alexander Hamilton.  
> He talks to Angelica for the first time in two months.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes the title is from a Chris Brown song ;)

Thomas learned in the matter of two months that Abby was in fact: not Alexander Hamilton.

Actually, she was nothing like him. 

She didn’t like coffee - she hated it. She’d only drink tea. Sure, he liked tea too, but he mostly drank coffee. Also, she hated caramel. She thought it was way too sweet - it was too much sugar for her. Alexander  _loved_ sugar. Because he hated sleeping, he would always eat sweets or drink coffee so he could stay awake. Abby also didn’t like to argue. Not that it was a bad thing, it was just  _weird._ Alexander and Thomas were always arguing somehow. They always had some kind of conflict, but arguing was their native tongue. They never argued in a mean way, just playfully. Thomas could take insults like  _you stupid overgrown mushroom_ and Alexander could take being called  _the troll under the bridge from Dora._ Abby couldn’t take insults like that. If Thomas playfully insulted her, she couldn’t deal with it, it would actually hurt. He only ever knew how to be mean to Alexander, and  _sure_ he was a good boyfriend to him. They were just playfully mean to each other all the time. 

He remembered singing One Direction and 5 Seconds of Summer at the top of his lungs with Alexander and laughing so hard he couldn’t breathe. He remembered how many times they would end up slow dancing in the dark in Alexander’s bedroom with just the fairy lights on. They would sing softly to each other and Thomas would pick him up and kiss him slow and then just hug him and shower him with love.

Abby just  _wasn’t_ like that. She liked holding hands, sure. She liked cuddling, yeah. But she wasn’t with the whole  _sing to me and call me princess_ thing.  

Abby just wasn’t  _Alexander._

Thomas sighed as he stared up at the ceiling, Abby laying next to him. It was about 1:30 in the morning, and his girlfriend was next to him, and he was thinking about his ex whose heart he broke. He felt like  _shit._ Could this be considered cheating? It could be considered cheating, at least that’s what Thomas thought. It sucked, it sucked big time. But, he brought it upon himself. 

He was tossing and turning a bit, he couldn’t stop thinking about Alexander, his body on top of his when he slept and how he buried his head in the crook of his neck. How Alexander liked to kiss his jaw and nose at his stubble, how he both hated and loved the scratch of it against his own face. He always complained about ‘beard burn’. 

“Thomas?” he heard a soft voice from next to him and he looked over and saw Abby awake. He offered a small smile and tried to push away the thoughts he was having. He wrapped an arm around her and rested his chin on her head. “Are you okay?” she questioned and yawned. “You haven’t slept in like three days.” she looked up at him and he shrugged it off.

”’M fine.. just stressed over tests.” he lied and yawned softly. He leaned down to press a kiss to her lips and when she leaned up and kissed him, he had one lingering thought:

_She doesn’t taste like him._

And that’s the thought he went to sleep with, the memory of Alexander’s coffee tasting lips and his coffee breath that Thomas always said was gross but he couldn’t imagine kissing him without the bitter taste of coffee lingering. 

* * *

It was the middle of November and all Thomas could think about was how much Alexander hated the cold. Of course, it was warm in California, so he didn’t feel cold at all. But he knew in New York, they were already in winter coats with scarves and hats. 

Thomas sighed, he was alone in his dorm, his roommate wasn’t there and Abby was with her friends. He had some time to clear his mind and  _think._

He wondered, how would Alexander react if he tried to get back together with him? Would he be angry? Flip out? Would he attack him? He couldn’t tell, but he wanted to know. He decided to text Angelica, he hoped she still had his number.

 **To Angie:** Angelica, hi. It’s Thomas. Can we talk? 

He felt anxiety bubble in his throat, but he pushed it away.

Suddenly, he received a call from the number.

”What the  _fuck_ do you want, Jefferson?” Angelica snarled from the other side and he sighed and threw his head back. 

“Angelica, please, let me explain myself.”

”Why should I?” she laughed. “Thomas, you’re a fucking idiot.” she stated and he could practically hear her rolling her eyes. “You’ve seriously created a new kind of a stupid, a damage you can never undo,  _kind of stupid._ ” Angelica laughed bitterly at him.

” _Fuck,_ Angelica,  _I know.”_ he snapped. “I know I fucked up, just- just let me speak.” he begged and she sighed.

”Fine.” 

Thomas took a deep breath and shut his eyes. “I’m sorry for pushing all of you away and treating you like crap. I-I really regret being a bad person in your lives and treating Alex  _and all of you_ like shit. You all mean the world to me, you always will, and I guess I got caught up with college stuff and that’s why I wasn’t treating you right.” he explained and he felt himself getting choked up. “I love you and I love everyone else, and  _I still love Alex_ and I’m sorry. I understand if you don’t want to help me and if you don’t want me in your life anymore because I know I hurt all of you, especially James and Alex. Fuck,  _James._ I feel like shit about what I did to the poor kid, I’m sorry Angelica. After I left Alexander, I realized how much I need you guys and how much I need him, and I’m  _sorry._ You don’t have to forgive me, in fact, you can hang up.” He let a tear fall down his face. “But I wanted to let you know that I love you, Angelica, and you’re the best big sister I could’ve ever asked for.”

There was silence for awhile on the other line, Thomas was ready to hang up and just cry himself back to sleep, but he heard something.

”I love you too.” 

Angelica was crying on the other line, he could hear it. “I understand what it’s like, wanting to be different in college. But Thomas, you can’t get rid of the people who love you because you want to experience more.” she sniffled. “Winter break is coming soon, and I suggest you come back for the month so we can fix things with everyone. But I,” she started. “i forgive you because  _I get it.”_

Thomas felt a smile grow over his face and he started crying even more. “Thank you, Angelica, thank you.” he choked out and he wiped his eyes. “Thank you.” he stated one last time and she chuckled softly.

”How has everything been, Tommy?” she asked and he grinned, ready to tell her stories. 


	8. Ghost of You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thomas goes through breakup #2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the song mentioned is ghost of you by 5sos!!!! woah sorry i just realized i went hella heavy on the angst

Thomas had a habit of pushing everybody away.  _Everybody._ When he and Alexander were just about to break up, he barely even spoke to him. But it was just how he was. When he needed to think, he needed to be alone. He needed to sit alone, sleep alone. He had to  _think to himself._

So, that’s why he was avoiding Abby. He hadn’t been speaking to her a lot in the past few days. He’d been avoiding seeing her, skipping his classes and sleeping in and not texting back. He just  _didn’t want to see her._

Why? Because he was planning on leaving her and he felt like  _shit._ How did he always manage to hurt the people he cared about? He broke Alexander’s heart, hurt James and everybody else, and now he was going to break Abby’s heart. But, he felt like he wasn’t being genuine. He felt like it was better to just leave her before he hurt her badly because she found out that he still loved Alexander while he was with her. Thomas was aware that he was a dumbass, he knew. He hated himself for it.

It was nearing December, and all Thomas wanted was Alexander in his arms underneath the mistletoe. However, he knew he wasn’t going to get that because of how much he probably hated Thomas right now.

He tried calling him a few times, he just couldn’t get through. Every single time, it went to voicemail. He felt his heart break more every time.

Thomas sighed and opened his laptop, typing in his password and opening up spotify. He put his music on shuffle and sighed at the song that came on. He rubbed his eyes and stared at the ceiling, letting the song sink in.

_Here I am waking up, still can’t sleep on your side._

Thomas could imagine Alexander next to him on the bed. He constantly insisted on having the right side of the bed, he hated the left side of everything for some odd reason. It was just one of those things that made Alexander so.. so unique and so  _Alexander._

The song continued, and Thomas’ heart broke more every second. He turned over, facing the wall and feeling the side of the bed that was empty. 

_So I drown it out, like I always do. Dancing through our house with the ghost of you._

Thomas could almost imagine Alexander dancing in front of him, his body swaying back and forth and twirling around and giggling profusely. He could imagine how gracefully the boy moved and he could imagine how it felt to sway him to the beat of the songs they would dance to.

_Cleaning up today, I found that old zepplin shirt you wore when you ran away and no one could feel your hurt. Too young, too dumb, to know things like love. But I know better now._

Thomas admitted to never wearing that one shirt -  _the_ shirt. He had a Led Zepplin shirt that Alexander always wore when he slept over and needed a shirt to borrow. It was Thomas’ favorite, but coincidentally it was also Alexander’s favorite. Thomas hadn’t worn it, hadn’t washed it, hadn’t looked at it since what happened. It hurt too much, and he wasconfused at the wrench he got in his heart for the first few weeks when he saw it. Finally, he put it on. It  _smelled_ like Alexander’s stupid Shawn Mendes cologne that Thomas would always tease him for, but never actually admit that he loved it more than anything. It smelled sweet, almost like candy. It smelled like  _Alexander._ _His_ Alexander. 

Well, not anymore.

_Too young, too dumb to know things like love._

Thomas admitted that they were too young to be “in love” so to speak. But, he couldn’t mask his feelings, he couldn’t pretend as if he wasn’t in love with this fucking boy because  _he was. All he wanted_ was  _Alexander._ He didn’t want to see anybody else on the pillow next to him in the morning besides Alexander and didn’t want anybody else’s stupid jokes besides Alexander’s. He didn’t want to hear anybody laughing softly in his ear and didn’t want anybody else hogging the covers at night. He knew nobody else would stick their stupid cold feet on his legs when they slept and he knew nobody else would scramble to get on top of him in their sleep. He loved the way Alexander traced shapes across his chest when he tried to calm down and he didn’t want anybody else to do that. He thought that was love, no, he  _knew._

_My feet don’t dance like they did with you._

Thomas knew he needed to end things with Abby as soon as possible.

* * *

”Hey babe,” Abby greeted as she walked into Thomas’ dorm room. She had extra keys, so she would come in whenever. Thomas was laying down on the bed on his back, his hand over his eyes as tears ran down his cheeks.

”Thomas, hun?” She questioned and walked over to him slowly, reaching to wipe a tear off of his cheek. He let her, he didn’t push her away, just said the following sentence: 

“I still love Alex.”

Abby slowly took her hand away from his face and nodded. She got on the bed beside him and took his hand in hers, feeling tears gather in her eyes. “I kind of figured, Thomas.” she chuckled softly, sounding sad. Thomas felt horrible, he felt like he was breaking her heart but he couldn’t lie to her anymore. “Thomas, it’s okay, I’m not angry with you.” she whispered and he turned around and laid on his side so he could look up at her. “I understand how hard it is to love somebody and to not be able to let go, I get it.” she whispered and reached to stroke his hair from his face. “Thomas, if you love him, please  _tell him_ because he’ll always resent you for what you did if you don’t try and fix this.” she stated and she laid down next to him. “I’m here no matter what happens, don’t forget that I’m your friend.” Abby grinned sadly at him and laid her head on his chest. “I’ll alwahs be your friend, since I know I was your first college friend and you’re a loser.” she joked and Thomas groaned and punched her arm, earning a soft laugh.

”Thanks, dude.” he mumbled and she nodded. “I’m going back to New York soon, for the month.” he said and he looked at her as she yawned sitting up. 

“I’m gonna stay in my own dorm, okay?” she smiled and he nodded at her and got up with her, going to hug her. He wrapped his arms around her shoulders and she wrapped hers tightly around his waist. “Don’t forget, okay?” she stated and he nodded, resting his chin on her head. With that, Abby pulled away with a simple goodnight, leaving Thomas with his thoughts about how to make Alexander not hate him anymore.

He was glad that Abby wasn’t angry, really. It felt good to know that she wasn’t as upset as he thought, that he didn’t break another person’s heart as badly as he broke Alexander’s. He couldn’t deal with that burden. Thomas pulled his phone out, seeing that it was about 8. He texted Angelica.

 **To Angie:** operation jamilton is a go part 2? i just broke up with abby. i’m ready to try and figure out how to date alex again /: 

 **From Angie:** ill help!

Thomas sighed and sank down on his bed.  _This was gonna be a long night._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the angst i’m super emotional today bc i got my period lmfaOOO


	9. not a chapter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> IM SORRY SKSKS

Hi! It’s Bianca! I’ve decided that I’m disconnectinuing this story because I’m not very into it anymore. I understand that many of you liked it, but I don’t feel the vibes and I don’t want to continue it anymore because I feel like I’m writing with no emotion. I’m so sorry to anyone who actually liked it, but I’m writing another H.S. AU story about Jamilton in a school musical so yeah. I’m sorry for the inconvenience!!! 

I love y’all, thank you for reading!

**Author's Note:**

> thank u sm for reading and thanks @fojolife for suggesting this


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